Here's a brand new one inspired by literature and a Change.org petition. It may want some revising, but I felt like sharing it as it is.
To Write up a Poem
As soon as you pull the idea
from your head, give it a firm,
hard smack on the bottom. This will
make it cry, opening up the lungs and
allowing for the flow of words.
The heathen scientists have proven this to be true.
Several minutes after, if the crying
continues, give it a few more sharp
whacks with the palm of your hand.
Continue until the crying subsides.
Some people recommend muffling
the cries with a pillow and waiting them out,
but this is wrong and could seriously disfigure
or even all together ruin your poem.
As early as three minutes, feel free to
use a hard or softwood stick to keep it
in line. If you must erase, use a light-colored
eraser to avoid leaving marks. Otherwise, those
godless hippies at your local library, grocery store,
or even church may call social services to come
take your poem away from you. They will try to clam that it's
"abuse," but they're wrong. In fact, disregard any advice
that's not ours. This is the One True and Holy way to write up a poem.
At all costs, avoid using ink of any kind as
it will leave permanent marks with very little effort.
It's much better to write in pencil.
There's less of a chance you will be charged
with anything, and you can press so much
harder, especially if the end is blunt.
Keep a pencil case in your pocket, just in case
your poem acts out when you are not at home.
Make sure you find a quiet corner where you can write
in private if there are any commie hippie heathens around.
Revision isn't only for bad poems. Beat, I mean
revise your poem regularly to ensure total obedience.
Maintenance revisions are essential.
If you follow all our directions to the letter, not only will you avoid legal affairs, you will
also be left with a loving, holy poem that is ready for adulthood, I mean publication.
from your head, give it a firm,
hard smack on the bottom. This will
make it cry, opening up the lungs and
allowing for the flow of words.
The heathen scientists have proven this to be true.
Several minutes after, if the crying
continues, give it a few more sharp
whacks with the palm of your hand.
Continue until the crying subsides.
Some people recommend muffling
the cries with a pillow and waiting them out,
but this is wrong and could seriously disfigure
or even all together ruin your poem.
As early as three minutes, feel free to
use a hard or softwood stick to keep it
in line. If you must erase, use a light-colored
eraser to avoid leaving marks. Otherwise, those
godless hippies at your local library, grocery store,
or even church may call social services to come
take your poem away from you. They will try to clam that it's
"abuse," but they're wrong. In fact, disregard any advice
that's not ours. This is the One True and Holy way to write up a poem.
At all costs, avoid using ink of any kind as
it will leave permanent marks with very little effort.
It's much better to write in pencil.
There's less of a chance you will be charged
with anything, and you can press so much
harder, especially if the end is blunt.
Keep a pencil case in your pocket, just in case
your poem acts out when you are not at home.
Make sure you find a quiet corner where you can write
in private if there are any commie hippie heathens around.
Revision isn't only for bad poems. Beat, I mean
revise your poem regularly to ensure total obedience.
Maintenance revisions are essential.
If you follow all our directions to the letter, not only will you avoid legal affairs, you will
also be left with a loving, holy poem that is ready for adulthood, I mean publication.
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